There is a part of me that feels assaulted or awkward at the thought that there is a stranger telling me my feelings from years ago–the way he is telling me this.  The video is 33 minutes long, a man talking to me intimately I do not know at this point whether I should feel scared or surprised at how honest he is.

I cannot see your face. Of course I can’t see your face. You could be anybody out there. There’s gotta be somebody.

I realized, and openly accept, that sometimes I write as a form of a personal ad, a call to a stranger to take me on a train ride somewhere. At this point, I am glad that I am not looking for anyone anymore and that I am very happy with Noel.

I am just comforted by the idea that looking for love was in fashion as it was in the 1970s as it is until now. That desire is as compelling and raw and similar–no matter what year or context of loneliness.

I need someone to remember me, someone to take care of me- you can do that, come on.

Dear:

You are never lonelier
than when you are in love..  

These words by Naya Valdellon are so simple and direct I wonder why many girls still refuse to understand it. Every other girl on the street is as eager you are to throw your affection for that boy who held your hand when you crossed that street/who told you, in all sincerity, how happy you made him that night he was alone/that boy–of course, that boy.

I read on your blogs/on your twitter/on your Facebook status how you will play the game–hold out your heart and your feelings for as long as you can because you want nothing serious. Most of you, and believe me if you ask me for names I will give you one, will falter and fail in less than a month.

1. Do not commit yourself to suffering. This begins with never lying to yourself.

I do not understand how we live in the world where we are too proud to shun love out as a trick to fish it in–as soon as possible. 

Exhibit A is this girl who said something along the lines of how commitments are not in her system, how rules only serve as a short leash.  A month or so later, she complains of being jealous, wanting to keep him in his life, somewhere along the lines of love.

Exhibit B is this girl who said she only wanted company, how fun it would be to have someone to kiss without having to worry about complications. Three weeks later, she professes to be head-over-heels in love and is devastated that her friend had moved on.

2. Don’t drag God’s name in it.

(God or Allah or whoever it is you pray to.)

I am not the most religious person in the world. I know that many of you, girls who are not asking for my advice, are more religious than I am. But I think I am right, at least that:

He is not the answer to your prayers. I do not think God decided to answer your prayers by giving you a fuck buddy, no. When you prayed to God to give you the right person in your life, he did not mean to answer that by giving you a guy who says that he does not want to be committed to you or a guy who is in a relationship and makes you his other woman. Correct me if I am wrong, but I do not think God is that cruel.

Thus, please stop saying to yourself that he is God’s answer to your longtime prayer of ending your loneliness. Decide, once and for all, that you are keeping him in your life because you are pig-headed (making this a function of your own free will).

3. Emotional masochism and desperation are related.

Reading his phone’s messages, opening his Facebook and email accounts (without his knowledge and against his will) are invasions to his privacy. Many will go on by saying that it is protected by the Constitution, but you should know for a fact that this makes you insecure, selfish and desperate.

Insecurity, selfishness and desperation are interesting only if you are watching it on Face-to-Face or Harapan.

They may have been right about suffering,
though you wish they had warned: It’s the same

for love. 

Again, of course, why would you, girls who are not asking for my friendly advice, listen to me? I have been there. I am as guilty of number 1 and number 3 as you are, maybe even more criminal. My only pride in the situation is that I wait for 8 months before recognizing and declaring that these are such, strong feelings.

At this point, it’s not about the amount of money in my bank account–to pay for all the things I can hoard, trips I can talk about, food I can stuff in my face.  At this point, all I want is to make a difference. However, small that is. I am afraid at times that I will die before I turn 30; I get too distracted and refuse to keep my mind on that thing which I look forward to when I get older.

The direction and the goal is to change the world. It’s all you, whoever you are, need to know at the moment.

Love,

the girl who wants to be a lawyer still.

Joni Mitchell must have been looking into the future when she wrote that. How trees will be cut to give way to commercialism. It seems that Joni Mitchell never lies.

They paved paradise to put up a parking lot.

SM Baguio will be removing (seeing as technically they are not cutting) trees in their vicinity in order to give way to a parking lot (or a shopping wing or it could be a water slide – it does not matter.)

172 trees, mind you, in the heart of Baguio City for a parking lot.

They took those trees and put them in a tree museum

These trees will be relocated to another place-perhaps uprooted and transported to a DENR plantation and some areas of the ever growing SM Baguio grounds.

Funnily, it feels like the entire history of that mountain is all about uprooting and displacement. Tribes – like the Kankanaey, Igorots, and Ifugao  - were uprooted from the heart of the city and were displaced to other places. Some had to move to other areas in Benguet.

These people, like those trees, have been around older than any SM Baguio, 7-11 or McDonald’s in Session rd. But commercialism, in this case parking lots, are always stronger–enough to uproot and displace those who have known the land longer and maybe even more intimately.

It’s funny. I should stop acting like those trees have feelings and will be hurt in the process of getting removed from the ground and transported somewhere else.

**************************

Perhaps I am looking at the whole idea simplistically and give a “huzzah and congratulations” to SM for being such leaders in business development and corporate social responsibility. Because they will build more trees – 30 in the place of those which they uproot.

Maybe it is too simplistic for me to believe what many people who argue against these cutting of trees for development are always saying: landslides occur because it destroys the geographical structure, the mechanical composition of these areas.

One could argue that, well, those trees would be replaced anyway. As they will be built again in other places. It’s been said too many times over that reforestation takes a lot of effort and replacing those trees somewhere else will not offset the immediate effects of their removal: climate modification, higher risk for area-targeted erosion and landslides, and heightened air pollution.

I bet, in ten years time, Baguio will never have its 10 degree weather anymore. (I guess it’s all good, there will be more college girls in mini-skirts.)

Maybe I should believe that people in Baguio do really need that extra wing in SM Baguio. How else could they have their high-end fashion boutiques and gadget stores, not to mention fake waterfalls and fake parks inside a mall the way we have it here in SM North EDSA? Isn’t it awesome how SM thinks of people’s needs?

*****

I studied college in Baguio City.  I spent five short years in that city. I would be lying if I say that I did not fall in love with that city. Because I did, so much like any first love. It has always kept me coming back. I knew it too well I could sleepwalk in the city center. Baguio has taught me vices and has broken my heart too many, many times. While there are many things I remember about the city, I could honestly tell you it would not be Baguio without the trees. Can you imagine it being a cold city which looks like just about any other city? I can’t.

I take comfort in the presence of those trees. (I should know I have too many pictures with ex-boyfriends slumped/around/underneath a tree in Baguio.) Maybe I am just being too sentimental. But I am convinced with what Joni Mitchell has to say:

Don’t it always seem to go, that we don’t know what we got until it’s gone?

I know full well that I have too many bad habits I might need to see a therapist. This, thus, makes it a lot harder for me to create resolutions.

This is why my priority resolution for 2012 is to Invest Wisely.

I spend too much time online. I spend too much money on food. I spend too much feelings on people and ideas. This is not too say that all of these are bad.  But tt is cliche; too much of one thing is bad.

I spend too much time online. 2011 Kathrina would spend at least an hour on Facebook, 4 hours on Twitter and another four hours surfing the internet for things which I do not even need. Things like stalking the blog of old flames, googling random people from my past, stalking an old acquaintance’s boyfriend. and so on. At some point, after all the profile hopping and status updates one can not help but feel either smug or unhappy with one’s self because of the comparison you have made with yourself and some of these people. I would be lying to myself if I say that when I check out, google, or look at other people’s profiles that I have not, at some point, assessed that person and compared him or her to myself. (Of course, the comparisons are at some varying degrees.) It’s unhealthy. Admit it, you do it, too.

Do I really need that? No. So at the beginning of the year, I made it a point to stop using Twitter and deactivate Facebook.  It’s Day 18 and I do not miss it.

18 days into the year, I do not find myself investing unnecessary feelings or time on Facebook or Twitter. This, in turn, does not cause me to unnecessarily invest extra feelings on things or other people.

I am not one to say that I have not thought about people/relationships/ideas from my past within the last 18 days, but at least I do not add to whatever feelings of hate/jealousy/envy/other negative feelings I had.

So far, so good. Kathrina – 1, Social Networks – 0.

I spend too much money on food. At this point in my life, I wish I have more savings in my bank account. I entered 2012 debt-free so I would like to maintain that and invest more of my money on savings or other smarter investments instead of buying milk tea five times weekly. When I am sad or depressed my first tendency is to comfort myself with food. I am convinced I have an oral fixation. 2011 had made my weight balloon from 92 to 105 in under ten months! (This is a big thing for me, of course.) So for 2012, I should spend less on unnecessary food expenses and instead save that money for other important things.

So far for 2012: Kath – 1; Milk Tea – 0.

I invest too much feelings on people, ideas and things which do not even deserve any of my time or feelings. Because really do I want to keep hating people I do not even remember the faces/last names of? No. Do I really need to the be too hard on myself for eating that burger which fell on the floor? No. Do I really need to hate myself for forgetting Chekhov’s gun? No. Do I really need to be telling you, the reader, about all my regrets from the last 5 years? No.

So, 2012, let’s do this.

my favorite Capricorn is Mr. Merritt!

Happy Birthday from the Philippines!

Will it sound creepy if I tell you that if I win the lottery I will spend a year following you around, watching your shows all around the world? I hope that does not sound threatening. Will it also be creepy if I tell you that I name all my gadgets Stephin? If and when I get children I will name him Stephin or Stephanie? I will also make it a point to give birth on January 17!

Wow, I sound extra creepy. All I want you to know is that I am such a big fan. I smile at the sound of your voice. 69 Love Songs helped me through a really bad break-up. etc. etc. etc.

Love always, your weirdcute fan from the Philippines,

Kathrina. <3

(ps, while I write this I secretly wish my name is Andrew and that I have a huge and silly smile plastered on my face! )

Do not watch this movie if you want to be kind to yourself. I feel like I wasted two hours of my life by having this on the television. It was January 1 and there was nothing on TV. It felt like seeing your house being robbed and not doing anything while you sit there as it happens. The premise is about a fat girl and her journey to embrace her phatness. Really badly made. 1.5 out of 5 stars.

2. Wu Xia (Peter Chan; 2011) 

screen cap by Onderhond.

I believe that one can not feel anything negative towards this movie. Donnie Yen looks like the kind of person you want to be neighbors with– you can borrow salt and sugar from him. He will even protect you and your family without you asking.  The story of Wu Xia is more of a detective story than a martial art flick, even if the title suggests a Chinese genre of martial arts. There was just the right amount of action and heart in there. It is very classy and the images Chan used were breathtaking and well thought of. The movie made me want to own a cow and keep it in the second floor of the house. 4 out of 5 stars.

3. Batman Year One (Sam Liu, Lauren Montgomery; 2011) 

My feelings for Batman is that anything Batman can never be wrong. 3.5 out of 5 stars.

4. Cool Hand Luke (Stuart Rosenberg; 1965)

This is one of those movies I always saw on TV when I was younger-seeing a few scenes here and there but never really understanding the entirety of the movie. Many people, and rightfully so, consider this as the best prison movie ever made. Everything was iconic about this movie. Paul Newman and his devil-may-care smirk, 50 eggs, and the sound of banjos in the background. Add all of these to a fantastic script which you can pretty much quote every line of and you have for yourself the best prison movie ever made. 4.5 out of 5 stars.

5. Winter’s Bone (Debra Granik; 2010)

Jennifer Lawrence is set to be a great actress. She is so good in Winter’s Bone that she had pretty much carried the weight of the movie in her back–and it is a very heavy movie. The pacing, at the beginning, felt like it moved a glacier’s pace (but this was because I have really short attention span–I am training myself to fix that!) but after you get over the initial “slowness” of the movie, it does reward you with a good story.

see, lines?

Although I kept getting distracted by all the vertical and horizontal lines in the movie (from the trees, roof shingles, wood panels, even their sweaters had too many lines). 4 out of 5 stars.

Read more about my #100movies2012  right here.

When asked why one should do this, the rewards behind the project are pretty simple: the goal is to watch 100 Movies, within a span of one year, in order to try to enrich one’s self in terms of experience and understanding what makes good or bad movies. The premise behind this is that, it is assumed that one person can make better comparison within a wider range of choices.  It also adds to one’s appreciation of other genres. It follows, then, that the more choices and experiences one has (in terms of the movies they see) it helps one clearly understand what type of movies they really like. In this case, it helps me understand what type of movies do I really like.

• I know for a fact I am not a big fan of horror– I can sit through my share of horror movies–but I do not think I will go out of my way just to be scared shitless. I am too much of a scaredy-cat for it. (eg., many movies which has the word “of the Dead” in it)
• I am also not a big fan of political thrillers, especially those involving soldiers and wars. I understand this might make me sound too simple and intellectually unsophisticated but I can not seem to be enamored by the idea of having people discuss why a war is important and that casualties are important to achieve peace. (eg., Body of Lies)

I dare you to find me anyone who can tell me, in all honesty, that they can sit through the entire 3 hours and 39 minutes of The Ten Commandments without wanting to do something else.

• Western period films do not appeal to me as well. Historical dramas have a way of repelling my attention span towards any object that moves faster than 10 meters per hour. (eg., Ben Hur, The Ten Commandments)

Many people gravitate towards ideas, movies and, even political beliefs, based on their temperament and not because of some logical calculation of what is really good or not. It makes me wonder, then, why I really like certain types of movies such as prison movies, crime movies and legal dramas. (Which, if you think about it, belong in the same vein as they are all discussions of a criminal justice system.)

Owing to this temperament, even if I say I will want to watch more critically-acclaimed movies, inspirational movies and even movies that make you want to donate to charity, my personality will still dictate me to watch movies which are easier for my attention span.

So far, the movie that I really like are:

• Prison movies, crime movies and legal dramas. Apart from the fact that these movies are easier to understand in terms of ideology (as opposed to the aforementioned political thrillers) many of these movies focus mainly on a personality instead of an abstract idea. It is easier to place one’s self in the shoes of any convict, lawyer or victim because many of these situations are situations many of us CAN encounter in our daily lives. (Again, in comparison to political thrillers where the only way to truly immerse yourself in many of the characters is to be able to assume a position which many of us may not even know to have existed prior to the film. AGAIN, Body of Lies, Manchurian Candidate, etc.) Prison movies are my particular favorite especially because, while their premise is simple and sometimes quite formulaic, the entire progression of these movies rely entirely on how the characters develop. (More on these later on.)
• Well-written (white) girl comedies. (I feel like such a racist!) Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion, Mean Girls, Easy A. Brides Maids. Easy to understand, well-written, funny. My attention span is pleased. Added plus is the fact that I, sometimes and most likely wrongly, assume that I can copy their banter and use it for my daily life.
• Any movie with any of the following: Julianne Moore, Steve Carrel, Maggie Gylenhaal, Ryan Gosling (because, yes, I watched The Notebook twice and cried unabashedly), Emma Stone (which was why I was crazy for Crazy, Stupid Love), Donnie Yen (with the exception of Dragon Tiger Gate), Tony Leung Chiu-Wai, and Batman.
• Mike de Leon films. (Or any film which features Baguio City!)

At the time I am writing this, I am at my 18th movie.

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Sometimes I wanna tell Michael that he is wrong because people do not smile and nod at me more in the streets because it is Christmas. In fact, no one smiles and nods at me in the streets. I will get a few whistles, “hi, bhe” and “hi, classmate” every now and then but no non-sleazy smile.

Many Christmas carols annoy me to no end which is why I am selective about what I hear from carolers. If a group of children sing a Christmas song that I like then I will definitely give them a reward–coins, chocolates, candies or fruits. If they sing songs which I do not like, then I immediately make them stop. (That made me sound like a bitch, doesn’t it?)

“Kay sigla ng gabi, Ang lahat ay kay saya Nagluto ang Ate ng manok na tinola Sa bahay ng Kuya ay mayroong litsonan pa Ang lahat ay may handang iba’t-iba. Tayo na, giliw, magsalo na tayo Mayroon na tayong tinapay at keso. ‘Di ba Noche Buena sa gabing ito At bukas ay araw ng Pasko!”

That is my hatest Christmas song. I feel like the Grinch whenever I hear that song. It makes me sad and annoyed at the same time. For one: Ate’s festive dish is tinola while Kuya has lechon. These two feel like they are not even related much less invite each other over. One can afford to have litson for Christmas while one only has tinola. (Perhaps this has something to do with the fact that I have everything against Tinola–maybe I will write about that). The saddest is that the singer only has bread and cheese for Christmas!

If the carolers sing this song, I don’t even make them sing past the first line. It’s an instant “Patawad!” from me. Although there are Christmas songs which I like hearing. “Sa may bahay” still remain as a favorite especially when I hear 4 year-old kids singing it while stuttering. I am not the biggest fan of children but sometimes it can be adorable seeing them with no front teeth and being upfront about the fact that “ang sanhi po ng pagparito/hihingi po ng aguinaldo.” is something I appreciate.

———————————

I once had a friend who was wondering about the whole idea of aguinaldo. He was questioning whether the world aguinaldo is from the fact that it is Emilio Aguinaldo on the 5p bill. I only remembered–months after that incident–that aguinaldo is some Mexican Christmas bonus and has nothing to do with the hero.

———————————

I am not a big fan of Christmas carols which is why we have a system at home on when we give to the carolers. This was because this one time, we were giving out candy as we had no coins then, every kid and their mother came rushing to our house and in under five minutes, our tub full of candy was emptied out.

This is what Christmas carolers generally look like. On some days, they can be cute.

We prefer giving to little kids. High schoolers and college students have no business caroling as they are obviously too old–or too competitive. Let the kids do the caroling. I don’t give out to people who sing about tinola. I take note of those who are more polite–the ones who genuinely thank you when they get a treat–and they get coins or fruits even if they come around next time. If a kid is rude, it will be an instant “patawad” the next time.

I am not a big fan of kids. But the truth is, there is something which warms me every time I hear them jump over excitement and declare “yeheys” whenever they get anything.