Dear Catastrophe Girlfriend,
I wonder why your boyfriend has some weird delusions that you are wanted by anyone–except for him that is. I remember that one time he told me about this boy who went over your place. And I wanted to tell him to smell some sulfur or ammonia because I do not believe anyone will ever have the need to hit on you. By golly, they might even have plans fvcking your boyfriend’s pet bulldog more than you. Or maybe you. ONLY when they are on crack.

I do not believe anyone must be jealous when they have nothing to be jealous about. Catastrophe girlfriend is ugly, uninteresting, and a nazi (well, like most girlfriends I know. maybe I will tell you about another one, some other time). SO no man will ever, ever hit on catastrophe girlfriend.  While your boyfriend have some delusions on you being any degree attractive, I think we can work on that. Call me. I know what to do. I can make people really hit on her. I got the idea from another friend with a nazi girlfriend. *evil laugh*

Dear RoseAnne,
Obviously, this isn’t your real name. But I am uncreative to come up with a name to name you.

I do not like seeing your face in my multiply friends list. Because you remind me of catastrophe girlfriend. It is uncanny because I think you and her could pass off as sisters. Except she dresses better, while you look prettier. But it’s just a tad bit.